RelationshipsNicole GustaveAugust 17, 2023Comment

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

RelationshipsNicole GustaveAugust 17, 2023Comment

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

THE INCEL MOVEMENT

By Nicole Gustave

Image courtesy of Unsplash | Photographer: @sebastianstam

I can recall a time when internet dating wasn’t a thing, and if you’re an 80s kid like me you can remember the 1-800-party-line phone numbers if you wanted to connect with someone to meet up in person. Now 800 numbers have been replaced with dating websites and apps for your phone, where you can swipe right or left, get matched up based on a series of questions about yourself and what you are looking for, heck, you can shoot your shot in the DM of someone on social media platforms. Dating never used to be so dangerous when I was growing up, I mean don’t get me wrong there were instances of dating tragedies, but not to the degree it is now. I guess I was probably naive in my way of thinking when I was younger, but now as a single adult, I am noticing a lot more danger involved when seeking the right partner. I have been fortunate that any man I dated in the past did not harm me physically, but I have been mentally harmed by a couple of men recently that are a part of a movement that was lurking in the shadows unbeknownst to me. This movement is something that all women should be aware of and it is called the INCEL MOVEMENT, and it wasn’t until I had been targeted did I learn from my sister, who is a psychologist, what this dangerous movement is, and how deadly it can be to women that are the targets of these men affections.

Image courtesy of Unsplash | Photographer: @swimstaralex

The definition of Incel is a person (usually men) who regards himself or herself as being involuntarily celibate and typically expresses extreme resentment and hostility toward those who are sexually active. Now just based on that definition a person could assume that a man or woman wouldn’t exhibit violent behavior, but you would be wrong. This movement is extremely violent, and in some cases, individuals involved in this movement have committed murder. This movement is an online forum that reaches those around the world who identify with each other in that they are unable to attain a physical relationship with the object of their desire, so they lash out by stalking, physical altercations, and committing murder to satisfy their twisted views on relationships. In the United States, there have been at least two previous mass killings by men involved in this movement, one of those mass killings was committed by a man named Elliot Roger in Isla Vista, California, who was the son of a Hollywood filmmaker, growing up privileged and affluent, he felt that since he was well off that he was entitled to any woman he chose, however, that wasn’t the case, he wrote a disturbing manifesto about being a virgin at the age of 22 and made videos angrily protesting about not being chosen by women of his preference. He decided to take revenge by killing 7 people and injuring 14 others, he killed his three roommates first, then he targeted a sorority that he deemed was the “hottest girls” on campus, and when he couldn’t enter their building decided to kill two women who belonged to a different sorority, and began randomly shooting at people before finally taking his own life. He was idolized by another member of this movement from Canada who in 2018 killed 10 people and attempted to kill 16 others.

Image courtesy of Unsplash | Photographer: @nadineshaabana

I reached out to my best girlfriend and told her what was happening to me, she then had her tech-savvy husband who works in cyber security provide me with tips to keep myself safe electronically, and my sister gave me some mental tips to help me deal with what was happening. I share tips so that in case you find yourself dealing with an incel you will know how to better protect yourself.

In Los Angeles, an incel member takes cellphone videos of himself verbally accosting women, using vial language, and attempting to physically assault them, and when they defend themselves by either pushing him away or moving towards him he uses pepper spray on them and runs away. My situation thankfully did not involve any type of physical violence, but I was and still continue to be electronically stalked by one of these men. I never met these men in person, never had a verbal conversation with them, and our only communication was through text messages. I did not meet them online, one of them slide into my DM, I liked his profile, and so we began messaging each other. I felt something was off on our first text exchange offline, and so for that reason, I decided he and I were not a good match. I did all of the right things in my mind, I let him down easy, and went so far as to wish him well in life and in love. Little did I know that this man would make me afraid for my life, I blocked him on social media, and he called me repeatedly, even after I blocked him, however, he found a way around my blocking his phone number so I wouldn’t know it was him calling me, his calls would come up as anonymous on my phone. He would leave threatening voicemails and call me vile names. I contacted my local police department to have them call this man to get him to stop contacting me, and their solution for me was to change my phone number. Humm, so instead of a police officer contacting this crazed man and reminding him of California’s anti-stalking laws, I am told to just change my phone number. After blocking his number, even making sure that his text messages would be blocked as well, this man continued to contact me.

Mental Help Tips If You Are Dealing With A Stalker

Dealing with being stalked is mentally and emotionally draining, it can give you anxiety, and make you fearful and angry. Don’t despair, know that you are not alone and that there are ways of dealing with this horrible situation that you may find yourself in.

Do not engage this person by responding to text messages, emails, or voicemail. Remember this person is looking for any reason to cause you harm, and if you engage in rage-filled texts or phone calls you are giving them precisely what they are looking for. They enjoy hearing and or reading your anger, because to them this is a thrill, and they may derive pleasure from your anger and fear.
Do not try and reason with the person, they do not care about you being “nice” or “caring” about their feelings when you kindly and politely turn them down, they seek to hurt you because you have turned their advances down. Always remember, that to a narcissist your feelings mean nothing, so you must adopt the same thought. This person should mean nothing, so do not feel bad about turning them down, you do not owe them anything.
If you receive a disturbing, nice voicemail, or text message from this person, DO NOT RESPOND, turn that voicemail or text over to law enforcement, and allow them to handle it. You may feel panicked, especially if this individual had not contacted you in a while, take a slow deep breath, and ignore the voicemail, any text messages you receive should be in a blocked section on your phone where you do not see them. If you continue to feel panicked or full of anxiety, then consider changing your phone number this will help elevate your stress and help you put your mind at ease.
On your social media do not post your location, if this individual knows your city, he or she may have set up a new profile and will stalk your posts to know about the places you visit frequently. For your peace of mind, only share a favorite drink, meal, or event that you like and not one where you are at.
If you have entered into a new relationship share your experience with that person and let them know that you are a victim of someone who is stalking you and that you are feeling uneasy. If this new person cares about you, they will listen and provide you comfort. If you are a woman dating a man, he may feel a need to protect you from this person, gently remind him that he doesn’t need to get himself involved in a back and forth with this unstable individual and that him just being with you makes you feel safer. No sense in getting your new man involved in a situation that could end very badly for you both.

Tech Tips if you are being stalked

Be sure that you have a call-blocking app installed on your phone that also blocks calls from anonymous and blocked numbers, if you have an Andriod go to your Play Store and search for call blocking app with a 4 or 5-star rating, and install it. I use Call Blacklist, it’s free with ads, but they charge a small fee if you want the ads removed. If you have an iPhone there should be a call blocking feature in your Settings.
On your computer, tablet, laptop, or cell phone type your phone number into the search bar, if your personal information shows in the searches then reach out to those companies and request for your information to be “scrubbed” off their website. You want to let them know that you are being stalked, and you want all of your information to be removed immediately. I chose the most visible companies and contacted them directly to have all of my personal information removed.
If you received threatening voicemails, emails, and or DM’s save them and take screenshots of any DM’s on your phone. Contact your local law enforcement to have them contact the individual with the proof of their stalking. You most likely will be told to change your phone number, if this is an option for you, then it’s best to do that.
If you met this individual on a dating app, website, or social media platform, reach out to the company via their social media in their DM send attachments of the harassment from the individual, let them know what’s happening to you, and alert them of the individual being a danger and violating their community guidelines. Hopefully, they will investigate and remove this person from their website or app.
Do not accept new followers on your social media platform if their profile is private because it could be the person you blocked looking for a way to get back to stalking you. Use your best judgment, if it feels like it could be that person, block the new follower.