TOUGH GUY

TOUGH GUY

MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH

By DiMarco

Men’s Managing Editor

Image courtesy of Unsplash | Photographer: @acharki95

There’s a saying that goes: “you are what you eat”, but I say “you become what you think and live how you feel”. June is Men’s mental health month, but I decided to highlight it for the month of May. Growing up in Phoenix, Arizona in a household of men: my dad, me, my older brother Greg, and our youngest brother Benjamin. Our mother was in the household too, but there was nothing but men in my life, even as I set out into the world on my own.

My dad was a mister tough guy, if I got hurt, he would tell me that I needed to “suck it up” and don’t go running off to my mom for comfort. My mother was nurturing, she would kiss me and tell me not to listen to my dad, and that it was okay to feel pain. I listened more to my dad than my mom, because he was teaching me how to be a man and I didn’t want to be soft. I found myself roughhousing with my brothers and neighborhood friends and ended up with my fair share of broken bones and skinned knees. But, those things healed, and I knew that I would be okay. It wasn’t until I got to be in my late teens did I experience some form of sadness, and that came in the form of loss. My grandad died, he and I were very close, he took me camping and fishing, hell he even taught me how to bar-b-que. I cried at his funeral, but I didn’t realize the profound effect that it had on my dad, because that was his father. The only time I ever saw my father cry was at his dad’s funeral, and I felt better for crying because I saw him crying so I knew that was okay. When I moved out for college, I didn’t really have time for the feels, I was just focused on graduating, and moving on to the next phase of my life.

My career and everything else in-between came before my mental health, and so one day it all came crashing down on me. I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and she moved out of our apartment. Now, I have to admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend, we fought a lot, and I wasn’t really present enough for her. I was up late working on pictures for my client, as I am a photographer, and started feeling down. I wasn’t sure why, I just had this overwhelming feeling and a lot of anger in everything I was doing. The next day I decided to confide in my best friend about what happened the night before, and he told me that I was probably missing my ex-girlfriend and that maybe I should call her to fix things. I told him, no it’s not that, but I just brushed it off and continued my day. But, I had this nagging feeling like something was really off with me. I went to hang out with my family, and I was playing a video game with my oldest brother, he got the better of me, but it was what I did that shocked my mom and dad, I got so angry that I threw the remote controller at his head causing a small gash on his forehead, and then the fight started.

My dad broke us up, while my mom tended to my brother’s gash, and my father took me outside. He asked me what the hell was wrong with me, I told him I didn’t know, and that I just wanted to apologize and go home. I told my brother I was sorry, jumped in my car, and drove home in silence. I used to fight with my brothers all of the time when we were kids, but we are adults now and are very close. I couldn’t believe that I took it that far, I got home, and called my parents to check up on my brother, but my mother was concerned about me, and told me to talk to my dad. I thought to myself he’s the last person that I would talk to about any feelings that I have, not mister tough guy, so I just apologized again and hung up.

A couple of months later I was reading my Twitter feed and was shocked to read that one of my favorite artists had committed suicide, it was Chris Cornell, who was part of one of my favorite groups Soundgarden, and he was a great solo artist as well. In the feed, someone wrote that he suffered from depression. I thought, “damn, he had this great career in music, and how could he take his own life?” Yet, he wasn’t the only entertainer that did this, I mean I read about the actor Robin Williams committing suicide, but I thought it was due to him having Alzheimer’s disease. I never thought that one of my favorite artists would do this, and based on the articles I read about he was physically healthy. I began to research male depression and found that there wasn’t much information about it. Meanwhile, in my own life, I could feel that I was losing control, I was moody, and was becoming irritable to the extent that it was affecting my work, and knew that I need to talk to someone. I didn’t want to go back to my family or friends, so I decided to seek therapy.

Image courtesy of Unsplash | Photographer: @acharki95

I told my therapist about what I had been feeling and thought it had more to do with my work and home life. I will be honest I felt like a little cry baby telling this man all of what I had been feeling, but I laid it all out there. I was waiting for him to tell me that it was due to work and that I was stressed out in my life, and that I needed to take a vacation and all of what I had been feeling would just disappear. My therapist told me that I was experiencing some form of depression and that I was going to be okay.

I asked him why there wasn’t enough information on this, and he said men are more likely to brush it off by thinking it’s a feeling of sadness or being emotional, and most men assume that they will get over whatever problems they may be having almost to the point of downplaying them. The tough-guy persona comes into play, men are more reluctant to talk to friends or family about what they are experiencing or give a soft discussion on what is going on in their lives.

He gave me some statistics, for example, 30.6 percent of men in the United States suffered from a period of depression in their lifetime, and the suicide rate among men is four times higher compared to women. Women are more likely to attempt suicide, whereas men are more likely to succeed. Men are nearly three times more likely to become alcohol dependent compared to women, and men are more likely to use (and die from) illegal drugs.

Like most men, I thought that I could weather the storm, and come out on the other side of it stronger, but I found that I needed more than just a good night’s sleep and a vacation to make myself better. I don’t have all of the answers to cure the world’s ills, but I do know that if I can pass on some good advice it might cure what ails my readers. So, if you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide or having harmful thoughts there is help out, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 You don’t need to be or feel like a tough guy, because part of being tough means you can reach out for help.

---

IMAGES COURTESY OF UNSPLASH | IMAGE PHOTOGRAPHER: AZIZ ACHARKI

Images are used for illustration purposes only.

Images photographer is not affiliated with and does not endorse DHMICON.COM, or its blogs.